🔗 Share this article

As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.